


what's in a name?

by noclouds



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Study, Creation Myth, Gender Is Fake, Genderfluid Crowley (Good Omens), M/M, Mentions of demonic creation and body modification, Other, Pre-Canon, Slow Burn, Snake Crowley for one scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:41:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25815985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noclouds/pseuds/noclouds
Summary: “what’s in a name,” the actor on stage sighs, “that which we call a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet.” he frowns, though understands juliet’s plight exactly. names are more complicated than let on.  or, crowley's journey of self-discovery from creation to after the apocalypse-that-wasn't.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	what's in a name?

**Author's Note:**

> Like the first book of the bible, this story is dense. What started out as wanting to follow Crowley's character growth and create my own take of pre-Fall, turned into this. It was supposed to be a short character study through the metaphor of names and well, here we are. And yes, my headcanon is that Crowley was the angel[ Samael.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Samael)
> 
> Huge thanks to my friend, Quinn, for being my beta for this!
> 
> I'll see you on the other side!

they know what they’re supposed to be before they even know themself, before creation, a time before time, when god needed extra hands for her bidding to bring good to the universe. what was good? what was the universe? god did little to answer these questions. instead, god said, life started with the angels. but none of them knew why yet.

there was lucifer first, then michael, then raphael, and gabriel, the archangels of the void. the light from lucifer's wings, and god's guidance, was the first glowing star in their world. it was beautiful, they had overheard michael say once, but they weren't there to see it.

not all angels were created in a single snap of god's will. rather, they appeared together, moment by moment. 

god was beautiful, they remember that. they were brought with the rest of the angels into her light, her warmth, and given purpose. none had no reason to disagree with her almighty.

"samael," she spoke to them, "rise."

they did, unfurled white wings. in that one moment of existence, samael knew that being an angel, being granted the power of creation to help with the universe, was the most important thing. each angel had their own unique gifts, she said, opportunities to give Earth and beyond.

they liked the beyond bit. samael wanted to go beyond Earth, make a difference there; even as curious as angels are, they was the first to ask why.

"because, samael, there's a greater plan at stake that you will play a role here, as all do."

they were the first to question their essence.

"but why am i samael," they asked. they were given this name afterall. 

"because you are the blindness i cannot see, the venom that will be spit back at me."

it made no sense, and they decided not to press further.

samael moved, not yet having a physical form, and joined the others who rejoiced in a bigger family.

\---

samael wanted to fit in. noting how different they were from the rest, they were eager and ready to serve. yet they moved independently with their tasks, opposed to waiting in line to be assigned. they liked the freedom. other angels scorned. michael thought samael only needed more responsibility to step into their role as an angel of the lord, to fall into line. what michael meant was to act as expected.

samael didn't get along with many angels. most other’s wings would tremble, outstretch, arching up in protection of themselves-- a barrier, a do not approach, a notice of being an outsider within your own flock. samael kept their distance then, eager with the new task of guarding the seventh heaven.

"oh, a promotion, you must be excited." an unfamiliar voice said. 

samael hadn’t noticed the angel who approached them. a principality, clear wings and a holy crown rested upon them.

"i would rather be out there, among the stars, creating, or living amongst it."

"that's a beautiful thought. sometimes i feel the same way too...?” 

"samael, and you?”

"aziraphale.”

"an honor."

they were the first angel to show true kindness, the odd way that energy poured off of aziraphale put them at ease. they chatted. aziraphale showed off the sword the almighty had given them, its fire caught the light of heaven and samael became obsessed with it.

fire, heat, the warmth of it.

aziraphale was the perfect angel, samael thought. poised to protect their creator's design, rolling with what they were given. they became friends.

\---

the only other angel to give them the time of day (day was just invented, they quite liked both day and night) was lucifer, and his close knit group. lucifer, the morning star, demanded a new type of identity for himself, he wasn't just an angel, he was god's favorite, and rumored to be the most powerful.

samael wanted to be as respected as lucifer.

they often left their duties to join lucifer and watched the world. they didn't like guarding. michael yelled at them for it, but why were they guarding anyway? guarding what? who amongst the angels had the thought to do anything other than what they were told?

oh, the questions they had.

"do not question the plan, samael." michael said.

"thinking isn't right for an angel, you know better." gabriel said.

raphael was absent as always. but it was lucifer who praised their curiosity.

names are important, the meaning they bring. lucifer brings light through his wings' glow. samael thought of aziraphale's sword, but lucifer's glow was somehow still so cold.

the difference was as striking as the time that now passed by.

lucifer showed samael the power they held, the power other archangels tried to hide from them– creation, like the lord herself.

"you must listen to yourself, samael, follow your own path, and do as you must. create your own miracles."

samael, in all their strength, created a nebula. yellows, and blues, space dust swirling through the vast void, a giant canvas. lucifer said they had the right to name it, as it was theirs. carina, the name on the tip of their tongue. an explosion of stars, birth and death happening simultaneously... for the first time, they felt proud of a creation. the freedom it came with, this feeling was life.

compared to the warmth aziraphale would give, lucifer was cold, manipulating... but lucifer was more powerful than aziraphale, and through lucifer, samael could show god that they could do so much more.

that was their plan. they didn't need god's great plan, but other little plans along the way that would get the same place. questions helped them get there, so why were they bad?

\---

samael had another interaction with god, rare for the time, as whispers ran through heaven everywhere. they were called upon by michael, summoned for lack of reporting to their duty.

"why do you cause trouble," michael spoke, "don't follow lucifer's ego."

samael didn't respond. what could they have said, that lucifer was the only interesting thing happening around each of the realms of heaven, that without the whole world there was nothing to guard or protect. their existence had been meaningless.

it had felt so long since samael had felt the grace of their god. she was angry, but the ripples of her love for her children was strong and yet not as strong as her own angels.

"what can you tell me about lucifer, samael?" 

they bristled. sight blinded by light, they shielded away. "lucifer has the idea that we, the angels of heaven, should have a stronger hand in creation, to follow our own desires--”

"that is not what i asked of you.”

"your grace, you asked very little of me in the first place."

the light grew stronger, and samael felt terribly small, their wings wrapping around them for protection.

"i have plans for you. do not try to go against them." and that was meant to be the end, where samael corrected their ways and went back to the post of the seventh heaven. but samael only wanted answers, answers that no one would give them, and somehow that was wrong.

"what plan?"

there was a silence. the question was the last straw. the aggravation from the angels and her lord weighed as heavy as the weight of the universe on samael's shoulders. through the anger, even god spoke so softly. it still rattled through their being.

"the great plan, samael, the test to show where their true devotion lies in the world i give them."

"who?" they dared not say more, but the curiosity within them was not yet sated.

"my greatest creation. a test, samael, a test you best pass."

god went quiet, and samael knew that was the end of that. the world was the lord's greatest creation, and yet with the sky and the rivers, and the glorious beasts that roamed the grasses, she was not yet satisfied.

michael sent samael back to their post. they stayed, guarding, in displeasure.

then things did change. the humans. adam and eve, god had named them, were given the most beautiful place of creation to live in but under the one rule that neither two touch what she commanded was untouchable. a tree, a simple tree, samael thought it was laughable. the sixth day brought more than humans. it brought envy. lucifer hated them.

\---

samael and aziraphale were talking by the gates of heaven.

"gabriel said i have the honor of watching the eastern gate of eden, to be amongst the almighty's creation!" aziraphale was so full of glee.

the angels were told to love humanity more than god herself, told to pick a form and their beings would be most complete. aziraphale, no longer a glowing ball of wings, crowns, and swords, now stood shorter than samael with curly light blonde hair and soft blue eyes. samael, green eyes as the grass, and brown hair like the sand. they were a true pair, only samael had not yet received any orders about their duties on earth.

"i'm happy for you." they said.

aziraphale smiled. "i can't wait to walk with you on earth--"

there was a crash, drowning out the rest of aziraphale’s speech. the angels’ heads turned, following the commotion. the two friends broke apart. there was nothing like this that had happened before, the rumbling under their feet and through their very essences. aziraphale readied their sword and samael thought that perhaps this is what guarding meant.

in the center of heaven stood her grace, lucifer, and all of the angels samael had grown close to.

"no, you cannot expect me to love anything more than you." lucifer bowed to the almighty, and she put her hand on his shoulder. he wept, though his words were loud enough to filter all throughout heaven. it shook samael, and they led aziraphale towards the commotion. 

"this is all that i asked of you, and if you cannot, then angel you are no more."

a dark hole swallowed up the center path, gasps and screams from angels around. they all now knew what fear had meant, and what it felt like.

"hell, lucifer, is yours to reign. if you do not wish to love humanity, than rest below the world you crave. michael, come here."

and they did.

god continued. "it is your duty, michael to show angels how to truly follow orders. cast lucifer down." the sound of lucifer crying slowly stopped, only to be replaced by his laughter. manic and cold. something had changed so swiftly. as if the family they all created was the proper punchline to a long set up. 

and michael did as they were told. lucifer's followers cried out.

michael stared at them all, "if you don’t correct your ways, the same fate will become of you. without your leader, you are useless to us all anyway."

one by one, they jumped. crying, screaming, the smell of ash and sulfur permeated the room. all the angels looked on, not saying a word. samael could not stand and do nothing, even as the last angel of lucifer's group Fell, cast down from grace by the hands of their lord. none of this made sense. they broke past the crowd.

"this is unfair!" they called out, jabbing a finger in michael's direction. "we were told to love, and guard, and we don't get any reason why. lord, please, tell us your plan so that we may follow through. why are you doing this?"

samael loved being an angel, but did not love the circumstances they were given. they loved their creator, loved the miracles that could be performed, but with the best of all angels, the brightest, the most holiest, the most beautiful, gone…

"why are we doing this? where did lucifer go?"

and god spoke, "do you want to find out?"

samael looked on to the crowd of angels. not one met their eyes. if they did not feel like they belonged, and if lucifer wanted a better world of freedom... samael took that risk.

they sauntered towards the dark pit, and could vaguely feel themselves headed downwards.

\---

Falling hurt. hellfire, sulphur, grease, their white wings ashen and corrupted as the void swallowed them into nothingness. they couldn't remember themself, who they were, what they wanted, above the sound of their screams. when they hit hard ground, sharp and gritty stone, horribly hot to the touch, they could not see a bit of light anywhere. and they wept, blood running along their back. it trailed into their hair, staining the golden strands. the smoke clouded their eyes. pain was all they knew, unsure if time had even surely passed. their own cries suffered among the many. it was too late to do anything else, but at least this choice was theirs. they wrapped their broken wings around themself, a final layer of protection, and tried to drown out the pain that soaked into their being. 

how lonely it was, how cold.

hell had sprung up quickly. satan fashioned himself a new title and assigned his closest comrades to the hierarchy of rulership. a true hypocrite. by the time the hierarchy got to the last in line of the broken scraps, the fallen angel felt nothing anymore.

\---

names are important.

"oh look at this one, crawling about." one voice spoke out amongst the screams. "like one of god's snakes in the mud."

if satan said it, then it must be so. hell ran on low power, and the power left inside the fallen angel warped their being to fit whatever role satan had demanded. wings tucked away, and their body underwent the immense pressure of re-creation. it didn't hurt, everything by then had gone numb.

"crawly, we stand against the tyranny of good. as a demon, we do not worship the holy."

crawly. it was picked for them, or rather, in lucifer’s image, for him. he slithered amongst soot, yellow eyes gleaming at the new home beyond what was known... if an angel no longer was a part of a flock... a new home beyond him, crawly had followed lucifer thus far. there was no turning back.

as time continued, things changed.

there were so many more demons than crawly remembered angels falling. it was satan's power to summon more from nothing. demons arose from frogs, from insects, the bottom of the barrel for conservation's sake. where heaven always felt vast, hell was stuffed to the brim. crawly was suffocating in the heat. 

he thought of heaven often. he did not know that god had erased the memory of all those that hadn’t Fallen, replaced it so that hell was always the enemy. hell was there as the thing angels were guarding against. angels were spoiled whereas demons only wanted respect, and the humans actions would now demand the interactions of both good and bad.

the balance of the world had finally been put into motion, as it teetered on a whim.

hell was unlike the heat of fire, no, hellfire burned cold like satan, burned numb and quick.  
crawly wanted out. there were two sides of the spectrum and neither fit. there was no choice in this cruel world, only his way out.

demons quickly used up their power, charred feathers of their wings littered the mucky floors. hell was dirty where heaven was pristine, and crawly had to slither over all of it. he didn't want to Fall farther, and in his fear, followed satan's demands.

the demons (he forgot most of his counterpart's angelic identities) gave him the time of day more than heaven did. accepted him, gave him reason.

"beelzebub," the snake called out one day, slithering past the crowded, stepping feet, making his way to the throne room of the prince. satan managed from the darkest pits of hell, where no one could see the monster he became.

"what do you want now, crawly?" they asked, letting the snake coil at their feet.

"jussst, sssomething to do. i can't ssstay down here and manage. wasss never good at managing." crawly explained, feeling restless already.

there was a pause before: "why don't you go up there and make some trouble then?”

the demons didn't not like crawly, and sure they talked to him, but... he was just different, smarter than he let on, and not as dumb and dimwitted as the other fallen angels had become when separated from their grace. beelzebub assigned two demons to keep a watch on him, hastur and ligur. curiosity killed the cat. 

so, trouble he did.

it bothered him that he never got any true answers. maybe a bit of knowledge would help eve find hers. just a small temptation.

\---

aziraphale doesn't remember him. he calls out, slides up the eastern gate, and shows his new natural form to someone for the first time. he recalls how excited aziraphale was before, before everything went quite wrong. aziraphale doesn't even meet his gaze at first; demons are untrustworthy, demons are the enemy. and crawly longs for them to remember. he barely can, just shards of memory and feeling, the warmth without a burn.

"didn't you have a sword?"

"oh, i gave it away."

the same angel who took a chance, who took risks, who cared so much, as compassion wafted over their being, soft and tender. aziraphale was a good angel, the kind the rest ought to be. how funny, if the plan was to get things wrong in the first place.

crawly stayed with them for some time, in quiet, watching eve and adam drag a lion corpse off into the dunes. the rain, it was called, the bits of water from the sky, felt pleasant on his skin, his scales. aziraphale's wings remember, he thought, or maybe they only acted out of instinct, out of kindness. they shielded him from the rain. crawly tucked close, almost of what could be.

\---

he experiments then, given some time. after the flood, crawly tempts a whole new world. to have free thoughts, to have the freedom to act on a human's own emotion. he loves them, loves learning from them, loves the alcohol they create, the worlds they build. such interesting little creatures. perhaps, crawly thinks, they were more powerful together than god, and that's why satan first rebelled. he must have been scared. crawly laughed at the thought.

it wasn't until a carpenter from galilee mixed things up in the world that crawly thought to do something for humanity. they really weren’t so bad. there was talk on both sides, how outspoken he was, the trouble that he brought.

he reminded crawly of his old self, before the Fall.

crawly showed him the world. though a bit perplexed to share it with a demon, the man saw past first impressions.

"what is your name?" he asked, looking over the lush rainforests of south america.

"they called me crawly."

"do you like it?" the carpenter asked as many questions as crawly did himself. he smiled.

"never thought of it like that before, you know. just kinda gotta... do what you're told and move on."

they went to china, through the bamboo and the rivers.

"did they tell you to do this?"

he was truly a pleasant man. only doing his best to share goodness and understanding. humans didn't want that yet. that was the trouble. if he didn't have an answer, he would ask. there was truth in asking, strength.

"no."

"then why bother being anything what they want you to be?"

even the carpenter taught the demon a lesson in good faith, opened his mind to new ideas. he surely was something, once in a universe type of man. but for the son of god, everything you would expect. 

\---

names are important.

crawly. he didn't even crawl. but crowley... stronger, an individual, a force to be reckoned with on his own terms. the freedom to be what he wanted was everything both hell and heaven despised. aziraphale was the one to welcome it with open arms.

who was hell to decide what he had to be? who was heaven to decide what he was? why was there never any middle ground for his own little creations? that’s why he loves humans, he thought, so colorful and spontaneous-- to be able to sail a ship with no idea where to land or what’s on the other side. the ideals of exploration for exploration sake, the starvation of knowledge-- all of these incredible little details of these complex beings. 

he understood why lucifer was scared. humans were way more powerful than they knew. 

crowley loved living among them.

\---

names are important.

the angel loved theatre. he did too, though won’t admit it, and tried to hide his amusement in uproars and clapping of the crowd. even though aziraphale talked more than he did. where he hid behind his darkened spectacles, the angel’s gaze was enamoured with the stage. to himself, crowley wondered if the angel would ever make a good actor. from the way aziraphale was twitching as he sat, eyes wide with glee above the heads of the other patrons of the theatre. the angel was always good with emotions. 

crowley smelled the folks from the farms and the butchers. london came together as one here. the extra penny was worth the space. anything to be away from all that stench.

and either way, the angel was so excited when crowley told him. but no, the entry for the lower gallery was purely to save the two of them from the groundlings. he swears. 

“what’s in a name,” the actor on stage sighed, “that which we call a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet.” he frowns, though understands juliet’s plight exactly. names were more complicated than they let on. especially with two rival fractions and two lovers caught in between a mess than technically never involved them. 

crowley fixed his collar. he hoped this wasn’t one of those sad, gloomy ones again. the couple deserved a good ending, for once in the universe. 

\---

names are important. 

anthony j. crowley. more human than demon, far from anything holy. and a j for old time's sake.

\---

names are important.

she had needed something inconspicuous. something powerful, something humans wouldn’t second guess. that mary poppins made it look so easy. there were many powerful women throughout history. she took inspiration from them, or copied hollywood’s golden era of glam. a nanny couldn’t be marilyn monroe, not for the antichrist.  
ashtoreth was a goddess. mistaken, harmed, done wrong and most importantly, sexy; which at least, that’s what all the television drama from america lead her to believe. if the mother wasn’t a little bit concerned by the father’s favoring of her as the nanny, then she wasn’t good enough. 

she loved being sexy. the dresses and the lipstick marks. if she had to babysit a child then she was going to have fun with it. 

\---

names are important. 

like damien, or warlock, or throat-ripper or dog. identity of choice, and the free will to choose... a middle ground, crowley thought, that neither side wanted any demon or angel to find their way to. he wasn't sure how he found his. after the apocalypse that wasn't, during the rest of the days of their lives, crowley found his way to his own type of home.

a cottage filled with terrified plants and books, a mixture of clutter and minimalism, just enough to be what each other wanted. the compromise of the middle ground, their own side. aziraphale was drinking hot cocoa.

crowley outstretched his wings.

names hold memory.

"angel... does the name samael ring a bell at all?"

**Author's Note:**

> Oh hey! You made it through! Thanks for following along Crowley's journey with me. This piece goes in hand with my other character study on Crowley called "basic human functions" which you can find on my profile. 
> 
> If you enjoyed it, send a kudo! I'd love to hear what you thought about the story in the comments too. There's a bunch of little hints of goodness for fans of the TV show and of the book, so see if you can find them! 
> 
> You can find me at [pequenoleon](https://pequenoleon.tumblr.com) on tumblr.


End file.
